LONDON, UK

According to a report issued Monday by London resident Keyser Soze, 45, his "cock is too sore from wanking in a porn site chatroom". "Fuck," the report went on, "I should never have tried that third wank in one day." The report further stated that Mr. Soze would be seeking medical attention "if he can withstand the embarrassment of being examined by a female nurse, possibly named Lisa". The 2-page report concluded by stating that Mr. Soze will be abstaining from masturbating for at least the next 4 days.